This year I really got back into writing, and I take a lot of notes on my phone — sometimes written, sometimes voice notes. But I made it a rule to listen to them or read them again — to go back to them. To revisit what I wrote, how I felt, what I said at that moment and what I should have done, what hurt me or made me happy, so I can truly grow in knowing myself, in bettering myself, on my path toward happiness.
Today I sat down to write about something important that happened to me this weekend, and I randomly came across this phrase that I loved because it brought me back to center: Be yourself — not to please others, but to exist.
It’s powerful. Super deep and I love it. It’s exactly the kind of phrase that’s shaping my path. You’re not always going to be who you’re supposedly “meant” to be — on the contrary, you always have to be real. No matter what. Without hurting anyone, but real.
It sounds really simple, but I’m realizing these days that being 100% honest is not easy for most people, because it forces us to bring all our feelings to the surface — the good and the bad. And the hardest ones to show aren’t necessarily the “bad” ones, but the tough ones — the ones we know we need to work on.
This Friday I found (directly from my ex) that he’s dating someone. I already knew. I knew he was seeing someone, and that he had fallen in love with her during our marriage. I knew he had cheated on me with her, but I couldn’t figure out who she was. But I also knew clearly that time would prove me right and that he would show her off soon.
In my mind, I had pictured this woman — a goddess, better than me — someone who could even make me jealous even though I don’t want to get back with him. Someone smart, who could help him be better. But in the end, it was just P — his coworker. Super basic. A woman who has worked with him for years, whom we used to criticize together a thousand times, who I totally know, whose family I know, and I know how she thinks.
When he told me, I felt a mix of emotions. On one hand, relief — because everything finally came to light and on the other hand, I felt a bit depressed and disappointment — that was the girl?
Then it all made sense — all the nonsense he said in the last stretch we spent together, not even worth repeating, all of it came from her. Which made it worse, because like my mom says, he’s super easily influenced. Anyway.
I just realized that when I thought about writing this, I imagined I’d be sad. And now I realize I’m sitting at the bar of a nice restaurant, watching the F1 race — Mercedes is in pole position — and I couldn’t care less about him and who he’s fucking with. Haha. It just hit me and honestly, it made me laugh.
I also realize that during all this time, I took the right steps that led me to where I am today. That’s why I’m happy. Because even though my ex’s final honesty moment hurt me — mostly because I had to dig up things I had already put to rest — it also gave me relief and a sense of poetic justice. Like, everything comes around. Because now everyone will know about his manipulation, his lies, and that he’s just a guy who ran off with the secretary. Just another cliché. Basic. He ended up with someone beneath him. More classic than what is written in books.
And let’s be honest here — I want to say this, my ex had a small dick for his size. He had premature ejaculation, and he was totally lame in bed because he didn’t know how to move. So yeah, people — I’m lucky I got rid of that dead weight.
Now I have a bright future ahead. I feel like I’m slowly building the path to achieve everything I want — my vision of where I want to be in three years. And I can’t lose myself. I must keep finding myself in order to exist. I must keep understanding what I feel. I must keep the habit of listening to myself, reading myself, and continuing to get to know myself — to HumanizeMe.